The Personal Dilemma of Not Working...

I've been feeling, for want of a better word, a bit 'meh' this week Not particularly great, but not particularly bad either, and I'm pretty certain it's down to one thing. I'm not saying this to fish for any  'poor you' or 'u ok hun?' messages, because there are a million and one people worse off than me and I am actually fine, but this 'meh' feeling has taken me by surprise.

You might be aware that I'm currently interning to pursue my dream job of writing for a living and working at a magazine/newspaper. I've no doubt that this was the right move for me, as I've just finished a couple of amazing weeks at The Debrief and I start a one month placement at a well known glossy mag in January, which I can't wait for! 

I knew that once I finished at The Debrief I had nothing in the diary until January, and to be honest I felt pretty chilled about it - nearly a month of no work, I can get some life admin done, do my Christmas shopping, have all the time in the world to create blog content. Yeah, I was really going to enjoy this time off!

The first week of fun-employment began as I wanted it to - I applied for a few internships, did some blog stuff, enjoyed the freedom of not having a 7am alarm to get up for. However, as the second week has rolled in, the life admin list has grown shorter, the realisation that there's no one to hang out with because lol they're all normal people with normal jobs, I've found myself feeling lethargic, bored and well, a bit useless.

I hate myself for feeling like this, because I would fantasise frequently about having an extended period of time off when I was working full time (not interning, I might add). A week's holiday never felt like enough - what could I get done if I weren't in the confines of 9-5? How 'on fleek' would my online content be because I could take sh*t loads of photos utilising the limited natural daylight? #bloggerprobs

The reality is, lack of routine really affects my productivity. About the only element of commitment I have at the moment is my three evenings a week waitressing job, which I've found myself wishing I could get more shifts at, just to feel like I have a bit of purpose on the empty two days. 

I've always known I'm the sort of person that likes to be busy - I thrive off a bit of pressure and enjoy getting to the end of the week and feeling like 'f*ck yeah, I've worked my arse off. Now pass me the Prosecco.' Unfortunately now I don't feel like I deserve the Prosecco :-( 

It got me thinking about about full time bloggers and how much self-discipline and motivation it must take to make yourself a success. I've read blog posts discussing how the job can be quite isolating at times, and my god, do I have a new understanding of what they mean by that. Sure, you don't have to deal with that annoying creepy guy from accounts, but you also don't have a boss breathing down your neck that this needs to be done NOW - something I never realised I relied on quite so much! In contrast, if you're working for yourself, it's only you that suffers if you don't get your sh*t together.

I'm interested to hear from any full-time bloggers or self-employed workers on your feelings on this? Do you struggle with feeling a bit useless sometimes? Does a routine come with time and does the self-discipline become easier? 

That all being said, I'm really looking forward to Christmas and I've been enjoying the festivities in other ways that don't involve getting inappropriately pissed at the office party.  I'm sure come January I'll read this post back and be like 'You're a massive dick, what were you complaining about?'. Until then, let me know if you ever feel the same?



  1. Hej hej, what a lovely post! First of all, i wish i could be in your place, working for yourself in blogging / writing. To be honest, i think this is really my biggest dream.... it's funny how it plays out "you aways want what you can't have" thing.......
    Xx finja |

    1. Thanks Finja! I wish I could say I was actually blogging full time but I'm just in between internships at the moment... it would be cool though hey! x

  2. Loved reading this post! Had to go and follow your blog after talking on Instagram! This is so relevant to me- I'm working 3 days a week atm having just finished uni and wanting to explore the world/be free for a little bit, and while I'm trying to blog as much as possible during that free time I find it SO hard to do (especially this time of year)! Although I'd love to, I can't imagine blogging full-time, I'd really need to buckle up and force myself to stay on track.
    Holly x
    The Twins' Wardrobe

    1. Oh hey! Nice to see a familiar face :-) It's really difficult isn't it, I feel a bit ashamed to admit it because it's such a first world problem but not having a busy schedule can be pretty unmotivating can't it! I'm sure we'll both find our flow eventually :-) x

  3. Hi Polly, I enjoyed finding this post and having a nosey around your blog. I was compelled to comment as it looks like you are me 20 year ago!! I was living in London, interning at magazines and PR companies - my dream after graduating from the London College of Fashion was to be the Fashion Editor at MORE! Magazine. It doesn't exist now but these days I am a full time blogger and editor - working from home around my kids, and I can honestly tell you that the self motivating does get easier! There's a saying - if you want anything done, ask a busy person. It's so true - you will find yourself more productive on the days where you have a lot of other work on, but for those 'meh' days where you lack motivation, it really helps to 'find your why'. What are you looking to create? What is it you want to say? Then make a plan to create it - this will keep you going. Good luck at Cosmo - sound like you will have so much fun and I hope that you blog about your experiences... Now I have found your blog I will certainly be checking back! Best wishes! Nadine @Businessmum

    1. Hey Nadine, thanks so much for this! It's really encouraging to hear that you were in the same position as me and have the experience now to say that it gets easier!! The 'finding your why' is such a good point... it's all too easy to just keep churning stuff out every week without thinking about what exactly your direction is - I think I'm still figuring that out perhaps. Thanks for stopping by, I'm really enjoying having a peruse at yours too :-) look forward to seeing more! xx

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